Philippa Perry states, "I might fade away from someone's life if they made me feel inferior." We don't want friends to repair us; we want to be understood.
The inquiry Maintaining female friendships is quite difficult for me. I grew up with three elder brothers, have a lot of fantastic long-term connections with males, and a few friendships with women, but we don't live near one other now. Every lady I've ever known since childhood has abandoned me.
I've been trying to figure out why these female friendships usually fade. I don't believe I've done anything wrong that would warrant abandoning me. In truth, I have helped these women in difficult situations throughout the years.
I recently spoke with a male acquaintance who claimed that the ladies who have cut me off don't have all I have: children, money, a wealthy spouse, a successful job, and a comfortable lifestyle. I was surprised to learn that jealousy may have been the cause of these friendships' demise.
Why do my female friendships end?
I have high standards for myself and opinions on female independence, but I have never remarked badly on the lives of my friends. I've tried to encourage them by telling them how smart, gorgeous, and hilarious they are. I'm not sure what I could do differently. Can female friendships exist only between complete equals? Is it necessary for me to conceal my achievements to keep connections with women?
Philippa's response Whatever is going on is happening outside of your awareness. It can be a short consolation to claim it's not you, it's them - but if this keeps occurring, I believe it's you. You aren't doing anything wrong on purpose, and if you can figure out what it is, perhaps things will change.
Many people find relationships with one sex more challenging than ones with the other. If a client's problem is with women, I ask them to describe their connection with their mother - or their father if the problem is with males.
We may sometimes determine whether a previous relationship served as a model for later partnerships. We frequently discover that an early coping method or basic belief that helped someone survive childhood is now holding them back in adulthood.
Perhaps you have some false assumptions about friendship.
Perhaps you have some damaging notions about friendship that you relied on to get along with your brothers. Don't add another notion about equals and jealousy to the mix. Human interactions are complicated and cannot be reduced to gender stereotypes.
I don't want to ghost a buddy who has something I'd like to have (in my case, grandchildren or a kitchen island).
I'm more inclined to want to hang out on that island and play with those kids. I may withdraw from someone's life if they make me feel inadequate as a person. It's doubtful that envy is keeping women away, but you may make them feel inferior. Remember that individuals are not their jobs, relationships, belongings, or children. They are important and equal regardless of what they have or do not have. I have high standards for myself and opinions on female independence, but I have never remarked badly on the lives of my friends.
I've tried to encourage them by telling them how smart, gorgeous, and hilarious they are. I'm not sure what I could do differently.
Can female friendships exist only between complete equals? Is it necessary for me to conceal my achievements to keep connections with women?
Philippa's response Whatever is going on is happening outside of your awareness. It can be a short consolation to claim it's not you, it's them - but if this keeps occurring, I believe it's you. You aren't doing anything wrong on purpose, and if you can figure out what it is, perhaps things will change.
Many people find relationships with one sex more challenging than ones with the other. If a client's issue is with women, I ask them to describe their connection with their mother in therapy.
We learn early on that girls gossip, bitch, and are weak, whereas boys are plain and powerful. These messages are internalized by both females and boys. Society appears to regard males more; as a female, being called "one of the boys" might be seen as praise and make you feel superior to other girls. It's also likely that being the only girl among three boys, you've come to regard yourself as exceptional, which doesn't sit well with other women.
The way you described assisting female friends did not strike me as a typical two-way exchange of mutual assistance. I don't perceive you sharing your weaknesses with others, which is common in intimate friendships. You can come across as saying, "Be like me, have my attitude, and you'll have what I have." Others may interpret this as "Don't be you, be me." It is unusual for someone to wish to be mended by a buddy. Instead, we like to be understood. Or perhaps you unconsciously seek out female pals to whom you might feel superior. Others may pick up on some internalized sexism.
Whatever is causing your difficulty is most likely the outcome of your early surroundings. We've all grown up with stories in which the majority of the protagonists are males and the majority of the women are at best sidekicks; it's no surprise that unconscious bias interferes with how we communicate. I just pulled back a few more layers of my own unconscious bias while reading Natalie Haynes' novel A Thousand Ships. I would recommend reading more female-authored literature to have a better understanding of the female perspective. A women's therapy group is another option for increasing self-awareness.
Post a Comment